Uyirin Uyire …Uyirin Uyire

29.08.2003
Uyirin Uyire …Uyirin Uyire

The excitement’s on ! The sound’s thumping .The crowd’s in an uproar . It had been eagerly awaited – the movie , the talk of the town .

A month into college with ‘strangers’ and things are not the same ; may be never to return to the life that I had ‘settled’ into ; that which I had got used to , made mine and loved . The Life that predominantly was friends and family .

Everything’s different . My life that had been bordered by Mom and Dad suddenly lost all definition .The friends who’ve made me – much of me , are no longer there to ever willingly lend a their hand , body , heart and soul . A bonding that has been cemented over my most memorable days ….And to think it’s all gone in a jiffy is…is , to say the least , terrifying – don’t know where to begin , where to end and whatever in between!?!

And some how my gut tells me “I’m not going to be happy”.“I am not going to get back ‘the’ life….certainly not my friends” .

But then what is this ? All this endless talk , laugh-out-louds and togetherness…the hours we spend together ; and what could be more precious than Time , that I lavish over these ‘strangers’!!

So what is it that I’m unhappy about ? Well I miss the love , warmth , affection…No! Coming to think of it , No . None of it is amiss . But I ain’t satisfied either . What is it then ? Hmm…My vocabulary fails me . It’s just different . A different plane of understanding , rock steady faith , many many sweet memories ; an affection that transcends all dimensions of time and tide .

But I am loving the present too..

The excitement surges ; the sounds get louder ; the heart’s elevated , elated . It’s not the movie , but the ‘kick’ of watching a watched movie with pals – the people who’ve changed my life ; who are company from this crossroad of life until the next….Yes , like I’ve learnt to live Reality : All company is but temporary .

“Aaaaah!!!!” . One more of those ecstatic cries by our frenzied students ? Wrong .

A snake leaves it’s tell tale marks .Victim – a new fellow traveler . A chill down the spine ; an eerie feeling of a struggle against Life , a race against Time – one that is often associated with one of God’s vile creations .

Care two hoots for the movie . The gang is ensemble . A testing situation in crisis management .

A scooter rides away with the victim . The company lay on the roadside – tensed , prayers rising to The Abode every moment . “Uyirin Uyire..Uyirn Uyire..”The uproar is deafening…Now , hurting .

Man proposes ; God disposes . Actually Man doesn’t propose for he is ‘invincible’ ; he just commands and takes things for granted . Of course , that’s only until He decides to show who’s boss around here!!!

Life changes just like that.. ‘Snap’!!!The buoyant , carefree youth suddenly thrown into the frying pan – confused and worried ; yet hopeful and praying ; for it’s a first , that God willing , will never be .

Rush into the hospital – the sights and sounds of which I have , until now , lived in blissful oblivion of . The cries when dear ones leave on their journey into the infinite , into eternity . Life turns into a question mark – how worth ; what’s the meaning ; the aim ; our destination ?

Thank Goodness that Life never gives you enough time to ponder…atleast He gets the mind off others’ misery and back to our ; ours , on introspection , being far less . We truly are a blessed lot . Little do we realize so .

Flash – into the ICU . Flurry of calls . Thank God for Blessings . Thank Man for technology .

One by one , the whole gang lands up at the medico . His dad and mom arrive . “Situation under control” – yet adrenaline races down our vessels , the heart working over time .

And as the self pauses to take rest – physical only , for the mind is still disturbed-a realization dawns and questions ensue .

Little did I realize that inspite of my ‘gut instincts’ , I was so disturbed by the people , I thought , wouldn’t fill in the voids . It is a bonding without knowledge – without knowledge of what brought us together , what keeps us that way ? What is that makes us , one ? That’s which makes us shed tears , an undeniable symbol of love and affection for others . What is it that gives us the drive to help ? The sync to work with each other constructively , coordinate and allow each other enough patience to allow the other to loose calm ; a shoulder to rest a paining heart ; an all embracing hug – that which reassures : “All is well , for all is in His hands” .

And what is it with this bonding ? So easy to surrender to ; so difficult to loose grip of . So compelling yet so devastating .

I don’t want to be bonded . I don’t want to feel so ‘down’ in life….

But then I wouldn’t be human . Not even beastly . It is this sweet pain that makes Life really worth living .

It is probably the best deal I could ask for . Displaced, yet at home . Away from friends , yet bonded by Love .

This is one more of the ever-so-many junctures in Life when I realize God – as goodness , as love , as affection , warmth and as a reason for Life .

Uyirin Uyire …Uyirin Uyire….

Conditions for and of the Unconditional

Why is it that at some point unconditional love disappoints? Disappointment, I think, is only caused when there are expectations and I thought the 'condition' for 'unconditional' was no expectations!

I loved unconditionally. A younger sibling, I never had. We connected early on. I was guided through a lot. I felt indebted. That feeling of indebtedness morphed into a symbiotic relation as we shared more of each other with each other. I felt a sense of belonging and a sense of being needed - a kind of 'you- are-mine' and 'I-am-yours kind of relationship. There was a warmth in the relation that I felt amazingly blessed to have felt.

And somewhere along the way things started going wrong. The closer I tried to get, the farther I went. I 'knew' it was temporary given our special circumstances and I was right. Things were back on track.

We moved. Distance separated us but it was 'so far yet so near'. These days also saw the most emotionally intense periods.

Once the moon waxes, it has to wane. And so did this. Dead silences began to dominate. Lesser contact. Almost avoidance. I believed it was life getting the better of us. Silences developed into intense monologues, painful reasoning, a few loud conversations on one side and personal moments filled with sweet nothings on the other. Just one event stands out in fondness in that entire period, the rest is better erased from living memory.

Moved further away. Tried to patch up. Tried hard – emotionally. Another forgettable moment had me in shambles. Recouping seemed hell. Impossible. But then again, I have arisen out of such ashes earlier. I did this time too.

Now we keep in touch. A poor reflection on what this relation means to me; what my 'sibling' had come to represent in my life; what I owed; what I loved; what I felt blessed about....

Today, 'so near, yet so far'. I hoped we'd meet. I feared we wont. My fears have come true. And the message was conveyed in text. Cold. Blunt. A voice behind it, would have done wonders.

Things need to change and like I realized at my last crossroad, we are but fellow travelers until the next cross road. For now I am walking alone...

But then, may be I am taking all this too seriously. Things are really not so bad! Life does not allow us as many indulgences and luxuries as it once did. I should understand, acknowledge and adjust.

But I need reassurance. For I have invested too much of myself to lose now. I need my sibling. I need myself. So far, yet so near. So near, yet so far. Please come back!

Why does unconditional love disappoint? Why and when did my 'condition' for 'unconditional', create and raise expectations? When did I fail my values, ideals...myself?

Lifeline...

I sit there sipping my cuppa of Starbucks and think to myself “Who is this person?”. What does he/she mean to me. A tiring day, followed by an emotional roller coaster. I had vowed not to speak to him/her but, there I was, smiling during the phone conversation, happy to hear the voice that has made life easier, worthwhile.

A year or so back, a person stormed into my life. We had shared a few intimate moments for 4-5 years but in this new phase of life, many events have brought us much closer.

Different phases of Life, often have different faces. This was one more of those examples.
Life was beginning to falter. My faith was beginning to break. Things I had put on the backburner were now in my face and I could not handle it. So much for all my bravado through the last few years of being able to handle everything that Life could throw at me!

Often times, you dont choose your best friends. Life chooses them for you. This is one more of those examples. You just realise you can be yourself with someone you never expected could be that BIG in your life. Over an evening, it happened. I cried myself out. In the arms of a reassuring friend who had no idea why I was crying. Yet the warm hug said it all. “I'll be there for you.” And that meant the world to me. I did not need anything else to reassure me. Since then, more barriers have broken and I truly am myself.

I have always seemed to draw emotional strength from tacit support. My closest people have never been vocal. It sometimes is difficult to live like that through tough times but I have gotten used to it.

He/she is one who, now, I call to scandalize, to question, to challenge, to be made fun of, to fight with, to hate, to irritate and get irritated, be possessive about, to feel good, to share, to feel loved.

I know, I can only grossly understate how I feel. Gratitude. To Life. To God – as goodness, as love, as a friend.

TGIM

Thats my state now. Unbelievable. Depressing. Weekends are not what they used to be or should be. They are now, 48 hours of nothing to do, nothing to look forward to, no one to talk to, soliloquy, iPOD and youtube companionship, decadence, self pity, walking into and through malls, gardens and crowds shaking my head,jiving like a mad man to almost anything my iPOD throws at me in a shuffled list. Why did I graduate so soon? But dint I want to? Then why am I this eternally confused and unsatisfied person? Gawd!
Come monday and Ill have my work to go to. Ill have to run from bus to train to bus to get to work, make a presentation, design experiments, sample, attend meetings... - things to keep me occupied through the day without giving me anytime for emotions and depression. Heaven!
TGIM - Thank God its Monday! Wierd.

The Tamizh Gana paatu...

"kelu kelu idu gaana paatu...nera un nenjikkul serum paatu..."
Why is the tamizh gaana paatu so popular? Its noisy, uncivilised, unintelligent, often has little real music value, lyrics are senseless, vulgar even at times and worst of all, a lot of them, if not all, have similar beats (persussions being the mainstay of such songs).
Developing from its association with the "death dance", this genre has now pervaded every Tamizh (and telugu) movie and is arguably the most popular genre now. A 'Naaku mooku' does wonders while many others songs (actual good music) go unnoticed. Why?!
Music must make you enjoy it. Smile. Or atleast associate to it in some ways. The Gana Paatu does all that and much more.
Its uncivilised. Its raw. Its FUN! It gives you the chance to let down all your inhibitions and do what you want. In the life that we lead, the people we are seen to be are often just a fascade - civilised, mannered. A 'good' gaana paatu almost 'insists' you get up and shake your b**ty. Its just impossible to resist. Its the "dance" form that needs no training (duh!). The style is so accomodative that people with two left feet can jive to it and feel good. Dance sometimes is just that. Moving along and enjoying it. Enjoying it - thats the key.
Unintelligent - who cares?! Dont we already have a lot of "intelligent" brain work? Lets treat the brain well - feed it endorphins, which we (atleast I) are so deprived of, and not ask back anything. Its great exercise, cardio too.
Together, the Dappan kuthu satisfies the animal instincts of our body and the body (and mind) cannot be happier and thankful. Its very important to do so in these days were often we are not allowed to 'explore' the animals that we are. The dappan kuthu gives us the 'socially acceptable' way of doing the unthinkable - which is where the sensless and/or vulgar lyrics come into the picture.
With all that said, does it even make a difference how musically retarded and insulting the 'kuthu' may be? Sorry, not to me. I love to be myself without being the Sharat Bharat Varma that I HAVE TO BE. And thats priceless!
I dont know why I attach so much of myself to a gaana paatu but I do and feel great about it. Sorry for sounding silly.
And nothing can capture the jist of my jabbering better than...

Naan outhu vudum paatile..whistle satham naatile...puriyatha raagam ellam thevayille..
Kelu kelu idu gaana paatu nera un nenjikkul serum paatu...
Ada disco vandaalum, kisco vandaalum, oram pogathu inda paatu...
Ada micheal vandaalum, madonna vandaalum, thothu pogathu tamizh gaana paatu...
Ada rap vandaalum, jazzu vandaalum, kaaram kuraiyathu inda paatu...
Ada rock vandaalum, break vandaalum shake agathu namma gaana paatu...

Ballelakka!

I was listening to this song after quite some time and suddenly a wave of emotions lashed my shores (trying to hard to make this poetic). I had just been to India, returning from US and it really felt like " Cauvery yaarum, kay kuthal arisiyum, marandu poguma...?" But this post is NOT about the emotions I felt but the brilliance of the song. To begin with, it could have been a very gana type of song, given the fact that it was to feel very "tamizh" etc..Most movies have the 'traditional' song full of the instruments used in Gana/Dapankuthu songs. Not this one. In fact the rhythm is not the usual one and there is a contemprariness to the song - the trumpets used, descending behind the "ballelakka..ballelakka"; the strings lending an orchestral feel to it when the "ballelakka ballelakka" is sung over and over again and shud have reached point of getting boring.Its just brilliant. But then what new in that? When God makes music, LISTEN.

My status messages (and others' that I liked)

* Workspace Augmentation of Photon Impingement through impurities removal (Abishek)
* Sila nanbargal niram maara, sila nanbargal karam sera,kaalamum maarum, kaayangalum aarum..(Divya)
* yen inda thollai endru thalli ponaal,punnagai seythu konjum intha vazhkay!
* inipana manasthabam,iyalbana mudhal paavam...
* kaneerai thudaikkum viralgalikku...
* We'll go dancing, And everything will be alright...Wake me up!
* otrai chiragil ethanai dooram parapen...

♫ * Friendship is the shadow of the evening, which increases with the setting sun of life. - Jean de La Fontaine (John)